I need a young priest and an old priest…

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Pretty sure I need an exorcist. Something has taken over my body and is making me do crazy things.

I am currently on day 30 of the Whole30. What the hell? 

I bought new tennis shoes and I am excited for my next day in the gym. Wait, what?

I ate some (like, very few some) sugar today (and pretty much everyday this week) and I have had a raging head ache since causing me to continue to try and kick the shit. Who are you?

Here is the kicker, I want to go to all (and there are a lot) of people whom I totally judged for having to modify everything in public because they were on some special food restriction for one reason or another and apologize because I am one of those people now…dammit.

Don’t get me wrong, I will still judge and ridicule, but it will be with a new found assertion because I can mock myself. “God, we are such tools” instead of “you are a tool”. See, much better.

This thing that has invaded my body has not caused any change in its physical appearance and that is not as big of a deal as I thought it would be (further proof that this alien force has messed with my psyche).

It has put on spandex-like materials and entered public areas with other humans like it is no big deal and proceeded to move my body in very unflattering ways (squatting, bending at waist and sticking head up while throwing arms behind my back, laying on my back and kicking my legs, even jogging on a movable strip of rubber?! wtf?!).

It has convinced me that it is okay to watch The Voice and then go to bed with little to no guilt.

The thing has even allowed me to eat a cookie and not feel like I need to go in the bathroom and whip my back with chains, but rather say “mmmm that was good, but I have a headache now and I don’t need anymore”. Those are not words I would say.

And the world hasn’t come crashing down just because my allergies are acting up and I am tired. Only once did I think I had a tumor in my sinuses. That is a flipping miracle,

And my gift to this thing for getting through the whole 30 days without giving up? A new pair of tennis shoes and overpriced workout pants. WHAAAA???? Not an entire cake? Not a whole box of Mike ‘n Ikes? Not even a Diet Coke? Nope. Things that will keep it going.

So now what?

I am going to keep going. I am going to embrace this alien thing inside of me and welcome it into the many personalities I have picked up on my journeys and encourage it to kick the shitty personalities that still remain out.  I am going to go to the gym tomorrow. I am going to make a new egg bake for my breakfast on the go. I am going to grab some more kale tomorrow for my green smoothies. I am going to eat some french fries if I want to (but only if I want to). I am not going to say I can’t have certain things (because I am not one of those people), but I am going to stay way from things that make me fell like less of a rock star.

I might fail. The thing inside of me may not want to fight all the time. I may want to throw in the towel. I may not “look” the way I feel.

And that is okay. This little slice of internet will be here for me to read and come back to.  I can always come back.

But hopefully I will stay.

Up next: How to feed your children shitty ass food while you eat clean and feel great without wondering why they are acting like assholes. (looking for a guest blogger, cause I have no idea)

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Routine

If I were to be honest with you, I strive for routine and normalcy, but thrive in chaos. This leaves me at a bit of a stalemate most of the time. I have a list and schedule that I can follow and get everything I need to done and have time to do more for myself. Instead, I choose to sit on the couch and think about things (typically while simultaneously surfing the web and catching up on Supernatural on Netflix). Then I give myself about 20 minutes to do the ‘task’ that was scheduled to take all afternoon. I go to bed almost every night exhausted. Not because I am physically wiped out, but from emotionally beating myself up for not following the plan once again. It is a self-designed set up for failure.  I know myself well enough to know that if I want to get something done, I have to not think about it. Conversely, if I want to ensure nothing gets done, I plan it.
I am also too well aware of my fear of success and my fear of failure. When I put those two together, it is a clusterfuck of inaction and self-loathing in its outcome. Unfortunately, as GI Joe (at least in my memory) once said, “knowing is half the battle.” Knowing this about me is only half the journey into the clusterfuck. The other half is taking the action to get out of it. I am in a constant state of trying to get to the later.
Here is the rub, I am not sure I have sufficiently been beaten into a state of willingness to take the action necessary to dig my way out of the jam I actively walked into. I know that I can. But Alphas is on. So maybe tomorrow.

2 down, 754 to go

I have taken some pride in being a laid back, it-will-all-work-out mom. Two weeks ago, that pride took a major hit. Up until then, I could not wait until my oldest daughters started kindergarten. Knowing we were planning on a full day program, the idea of a whole 6-7 hours big-kidless seemed awesome. One week before the big day, I lost my shit.
As you may know, I am a control freak. At the meet-and-greet for the kids a week before school, we found ut they would be in seperate classrooms. All logic and reason flew from my soul when I read that and I spirled into a holy-shit-I-just-broke-my-kids meltdown. That is not an easy thing to do when I am standing with my two five year olds in a packed hallway where 95% speak spanish (duel immersion school). So I smiled, walked to the edge of the crowd and waited for my husband to arrive to proceed. Seeing his face releived some of the anxitiy, until we had to split up to meet the girls’ teachers. We got through it, I was a total bitch to my kids the rest of the day (becasue that is my coping mechnism) and I cried myself to sleep.
The next couple days were filled with second guessing, deserate searches for jobs to pay $1 million dollars a year for private school, less deperate searches for jobs to pay for therapy and a lot of talking to other moms.
The day off, we were up, dressed, fed and at the bus between the ass crack of dawn and super fucking early. Grandma, Grandpa, Nana, Papa, Mom, Dad and little Sister all in attendance. Bus came, girls ran off (without a kiss) and they were gone.They came home, loved school and we did it again the next day (minus the audience). That was it. No more drama. No more tears from me. I was alright.
Then, it was my Baby’s first day of preschool. Like her big sisters, she wanted nothing to do with the kiss-your-mom at the door fiasco. By the time I picked her up, she was happy, tired and ready to go back. I cried all day and then to sleep.

I miss them. But, after surviving the first couple weeks, I am getting stronger, but, unfortunately, the kids are struggling a bit. The lack of play time and quick meal times is starting to show in their attitudes and energy levels. Back to whining and snacking!
The biggest thing I learned from this process is that I am a good mom. I don’t say that to sound egotistical (but, let’s face it, I kind of am), it is just that my kids are ok. They were not afraid to try something new. They have been able to transition into a new environment well. I am also ok. I am not just sitting around watching soaps (despite my desire to). I feel good about this chapter. I am excited, scared and walking forward. There are so many exciting things in the works that I cannot wait to unveil and get moving on. 

Couponing

I can not believe this is happening to me. I sit here, with my head in my hands, thinking “Why, God??! WHY?!”

I am going to try couponing. I think the fact that spell check does not recognize that as a word is a sign. Don’t do it. In fact, when I attempt to correct the spelling, the only word offered to replace it is ‘coupling’. I am sure the powers that be are telling me something. And I am sure it is good.

But, for the love of God, I can not seem to get this budget stuff under control! I know I am good at controlling pretty much everything else in my life, why not this (she says with her head hung low because we all know that is fiction)!

My daughters are picky eaters. I try to feed them good, whole food as often as possible, but they want little of that. Smoothies, fruit and cheese. That is about it. Yet I spend an ungodly amount on food every month. It is the quick snacks, things that look good at that moment and the inability to plan past the hour that gets me. So I am going to try something new.

I have a menu plan. I have websites bookmarked to clip coupons. I am going to be bringing a binder shopping with me next time. Shit. I am that girl.

Anyone want to watch a train wreak? Keep following this process with me, you are bound to see it.

I need a new craft like I need another hole in my head…

But, hell, I learned a new one anyway. Every year we spend a week at a Resort in Northern Minnesota. It is the best week of the year. We, meaning my Mother’s Family, rent out all seven cabins and then add about 4 tents (have I told you I come from a big family?). Food, lake, food, crafts, campfire, food and more laughs then should be allowed. Oh, and trashy magazines. A lot of trashy magazines. I really did not want to spend my time knitting, embroidering or sewing, rather with my kids and my hands full of food and magazines. Well. that lasted about a day.   

New addiction. Oops. Maybe next year.
Here are some more pics. Can not wait until next year.

 

Tips on Getting Motivation to Blog – Tips I have found, but refuse to utilize

I have been spending a redonculous amount of time focusing my energy on getting my business and blog life up an running. The methods I am utilizing include sitting on my “idea” chair, looking online at celebrity gossip, stalking my favorite stores on Etsy, and reviewing the various projects I am going to start to work on tomorrow. So far, working out great. Have not written a blog for over a month, have not sold anything on Etsy for, well, ever, made something worthwhile in a while…Maybe I should try some of these strategies.

  1. Review old blog posts to see if you can expand on anything. Lets see, want to know more about my plans that I have not actually started? Cause I could go on and on and on…
  2. Look at idea journal to create a new topic. My idea journal consistes random words written on the back of a piece of junk mail or a list beautifully created in one of the 129 iPhone or iPad Apps I got convinced it would actually help me organize my thoughts. 
  3. Get Out of the House. Um, yeah. Can I get ideas from driving my mini-van from one side of town to the other 3 times a day? Or at Target or Costco? How about the 25 minutes it take to walk the 50 feet from my door to the garage? I will totally use that time to think of the next great blog idea.
  4. Ask your readers what they want to hear. Want to hear me bitch some more? If not, find somewhere else to go. Ok, now that I am back to 3 readers, my self esteem prohibits me from getting constructive criticism. Sorry.
Next post, pictures of my wonderfully organized sewing room.
Oh, and it is Tuesday Food Day. So….it is snowing, again, so cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner? K. Sounds good.

Tuesday Food Day. Really?

How good does that look? Yeah. I totally made it. No. No I didn’t. My most favorite food porn site, Smitten Kitchen,  made this dousy. I may just try it. But today (and by today I mean yesterday, because I am just getting to it now) I made my good old standard; Chicken, Quinoa and sweet potatoes. And, lucky me, I got to eat it, mixed up in a Tupperware bowl racing to my pattern class.
I made an executive decision today to bypass the whole going-grocery-shopping thing and joined my kiddos at an amazing Children’s Theater performance of Babe. Would much rather do that then food shop any day.